A mother's quandary: how do I raise a good man? one who won't behave like those #&$! in Virginia?

Up until recently, I've kept my political self and mommy self somewhat separate.  It's hard to take in all of the political hating that's been going on these days and be a loving, attentive mommy.  So, I've compartmentalized those two selves.  Until now.

In Virginia legislature, there have been some pretty despicable bills being filed (and passed!) Need catching up?  One of them will redefine rape, lessening the offense for old men who sleep with young girls.  Awesome.  Or the one that requires a transvaginal ultrasound for women seeking an abortion.  Great.  There are more.  They are disgusting.  As I've worked through the shock and horror of all of this woman hating, I'm left with a few questions:

1.  What should I do as a woman?  That's kind of easy.  Make my voice heard.  Support the women in Virginia (and other places too, like Missouri).  Any one know good organizations?  I want to support them.

2. Why do these ass clowns want in my vagina so badly?  I'd like to warn them that my husband will jiu jitsu their asses.  Seriously though, please get out of my vagina.  And to their mothers, wives, sisters and daughters, to their fathers, husbands, brothers and sons, could you encourage them to please get out of my vagina?  Thanks.

3. Most importantly, and most difficult, what should I do as a mom?  How can I raise a good man who will opt to love over hate, who will respect people like him and people who aren't like him, who will understand that he has had incredible privilege, and instill the responsibility/value to help and empower those who have less?

Any ideas?  Things that your parents, friends, cousins did or do?  Things that you are doing?  This political mommy would love to hear them.

One final word, a shout out to my home state on the other side of the Potomac: we're celebrating gay marriage bills passing the House & Senate.  w00t! w00t!

Downtime and a game of sorts

Ollie & Logan this past Monday

Well, it's nearly 11pm on a Sunday night and my house is unusually quiet - both Logan and Ollie are snoozing - and I have some energy.  When I have downtime, which is a rare occasion, I never know what to do with myself and I usually end up blowing this precious commodity on chores and errands.  Tonight though is different.  I'm going to think.

Before entering babyland, I used to think.  A lot.  Maybe too much.  Since my entry, gratuitous thinking has plummeted in priority.  I mean I still think a lot, but it goes like this:

"When did Ollie eat last?  I think 1.5 hours ago.  I should feed him again and put him down for a nap.  What do I need to focus on for work?  I need to write that report for the [fill in the blank] foundation.   That's right.  And I need to ask my colleague about our contacts database.  Good.  Okay.  Did I call the electrician?  I need to get Logan to bring the drywall guys back to sand and paint.  When did I shower last?  Crap.  I need to take a shower!"

It doesn't even feel like real thinking.

Lately, I've been wanting to think, reflect.  I've been reading Lamott's Operation Manual -- which I wouldn't recommend for other new moms* --  and last night I was reading a passage that I found so perfect that I wanted to write it down and carry it around with me.  And I don't ever write down passages from books or poems.  It's been so hard to capture how I feel as a new mom without using cliches, and even when I use them, they still don't seem to do my feelings justice.  Lamott's a genius though and gets at one of the sweetest aspects of motherhood.

Let me give a bit of context: she writes in the first person, her new baby is Sam, and Peg is her friend.

"Peg had treated herself to a manicure the day before, and she told me that the manicurist had her soak her fingertips in a bowl of warm soapy water and marbles, of all things.  "What were the marbles for?" I asked.  "So that your fingers don't get bored," she replied.  "So they have something friendly to do while they're soaking.  It was lovely.  They clicked softly between your fingers, and the water was like velvet."  I've never had a manicure, but I could picture and hear it perfectly.  It made me think of how Sam is in my mind when we are apart.  In the old days, before Sam, my mind would be filled with fantasies and ambitious thoughts and terrible worry about every aspect of my life, including global starvation and the environment and nuclear power and weapons and friend dying, and now that all still goes on, but there are a lot of times in a very real sense when images of him give my mind something friendly to play with, something lovely for a change to click between its fingers."

I'm introspective.  I care.  I'm a worrier by nature and I seem to lean toward feelings of anxiety and sadness.  My brain just spins and spins, and too often swims with the fears and darkness.  But now, I have this all-consuming addition to my life and my mind gets to delight in him instead of stress or sadness or anger.  This is not to say that those feelings are gone (ask my husband, he'll tell you), but the empty spaces that used to be filled with that crap are now brimming with Ollie.  And you've seen him, how great is that?  It feels so incredibly special and is probably the reason why those close to me keep on remarking about how happy I seem.

Ollie snoozing at my office on Friday

Ollie goes for his 4 month well visit this week.  In anticipation of more vaccinations, Logan is joining me;  I feel like I shouldn't be by myself for that sadness.  Of course, this time, I'm ready with a pre-visit dose of kids tylenol.

I'm so excited to see how big Ollie is now.  He started out on the light side, at the 20th percentile, and he's been moving up the chart with each visit.  At our 2 month appointment he was in the 40th percentile and I suspect that he's moved across the average line.  I tried to get Logan to participate in a "who can guess how big Ollie is?" game.  He participated, but half-heartedly.  Do you want to guess?  At his 2 month visit, he was 12 lbs. 10 oz.  I've posted a couple of recent pictures.  I'll report back later this week.

It's almost 11:15pm now and I still have half a beer and probably half an hour before I send myself to bed.  So, I'm going to go sit quietly and think.


*LaMott is incredibly skillful at conveying the highs and lows of the first year she spent with her son and this book is very funny and moving.  I really related to the range of intense emotions that she experienced, but her lows are really low (and far lower than mine).  The fact that I related to them freaked me out.  I just didn't want to connect with her through those moments.

Always beating the odds

At 2 months, Ollie is 11 lb. 14 oz & 23.5"

You know that woman at the pharmacy?  The one with the crying baby, the ponytail coming loose, and the bags under her eyes.  You kind of feel sorry for her, but maybe you're annoyed by her too?  No one likes to hear a crying baby.  Yeah, today that was me.  You see, Ollie got his first round of vaccinations.

I sat in the doctor's office listening as the doctor gave me dosing instructions for children's tylenol, just in case we needed to use it.  She went on to say that only 20% of babies run a fever in response to the shots.  That should have been my first cue.

You see in this house, we're really good at beating the odds.  Everyone told us Ollie would be late.  The doctor started prepping me for an induction well before our due date.  Yet, little Ollie came early.  All the books and classes stressed that a woman's water does not usually break in advance of contractions -- Hollywood had it wrong, they said -- and then my water broke in advance of the contractions.

So, I really should have listened more carefully when the doctor said, "That means most babies don't run a fever.  Hopefully, that's Oliver."  Oh, and note to self: next time the doctor is giving you instructions for meds your child might need, GO BUY THE MEDS.  For some reason, it didn't occur to me that we'd really need them, or maybe I thought that I'd have some kind of notice.  Ollie would text me, "OMG! Starting to feel bad. Go get meds!"  But he didn't and I didn't.

Instead, he woke up from a nap screeching in pain - he had a low grade fever and the vaccination site was red and swollen.  And I wasn't prepared.  After comforting him for a while, I realized we were going to need the meds, packed him up and off we went.  Luckily, he found the car soothing and there wasn't much crying until we got into the store.  I raced off to the pharmacy, located the pain relievers and found that they don't keep kid meds with adult meds.  I yelled questions at the poor guy behind the counter until I found what I needed and headed up front.  Of course, there was a long line and lots of people there to hear and see me bouncing my child in a car seat, chatting with him, and when those things didn't work, starting to recite, "Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?" from memory.

And as if there wasn't enough for me to be embarrassed about, as I left the store, I stepped in a big puddle, a big, gross puddle of warm liquid in the parking lot of the CVS.  Ugh!

On the bright side, Ollie is doing well - he's putting on weight like a champ (11 lb. 14 oz.) and keeps growing taller (23.5"); it looks like he's going to be tall and thin like his dad.  And after 2 doses of tylenol, lots of cuddling, and a couple of readings of "Mr. Brown," he's finally asleep.

What I Wish I Knew About Early Motherhood

Look at those chubby legs!

on saturday, ollie & i went to the farmers market.  we picked up our csa (ollie loves supporting local agriculture!) and one of the staff there engaged us in conversation.  she too is a mom and her babe is about 1 1/2 years old now.  she asked me how things were going and then quickly said, "it gets better.  it gets much better."  i worry about what my face conveyed to her, because my words were all positive.  still, early motherhood is challenging.  i haven't been a mom for very long - only 6 weeks - but there are already some things that i really wish that i knew ahead of time.  i don't know if knowing these things would've changed my experience, but i still wish that i had known.


1. overachievers beware: motherhood cannot be aced.  

i like to do things well.  really well.  and better than other people.  i take great pride in my work and took great pride in my school work.  i went to graduate school full-time while working full-time and made sure that my grades were stellar.  after i took up running, i decided that i needed to run a marathon.  when i do something, i want to do it as well as i possibly can.  this attitude is great in the workplace and at school, but is not helping me so much now.  in fact, i think it's making things tougher.  i find myself questioning things every day because i want to do everything perfectly.  but it's hard to be a perfect consoler or breast feeder or swaddler.  and while doctors and friends can offer suggestions, the reality is that ollie and i need to figure out what he needs and what makes him feel safe and happy.  and more frustrating still - those needs and wants are going to change and change and change.  perfection just doesn't live here.  so, i'm trying to let go of my overachiever attitude some.  i think it's healthy to want to be a good mom, but striving to be a perfect mom is making me insecure.  i just don't think that motherhood can be aced.


2.  breast feeding can be really hard.  

i know that i'm not supposed to say that and i'm sure that it isn't true for everyone, but it's too true for me not to mention it.  ollie & i have been very lucky to have a lot of resources to help us out - nursing staff at the hospital, lactation consultant at ollie's doctor's office, breast feeding class instructor, and 2 moms in my life that breast fed their babies - and i've still found it really challenging.  every time that i think i've resolved our last problem, another issue arises.  most recently, i've been trouble shooting having too much milk.  this is annoying because just a couple of weeks ago, i was working to increase my milk supply for my ravenous little babe.

i guess i thought that i'd learn how to do it and that would be the end of it.  the reality is that it's been a learning process - problems arise and we've had to work through them.  hopefully, we're nearing the end of the learning process, but who knows?  soon, i'll have to go back to work and we'll need to figure out how to work more regular pumping into my schedule.

the problems are not insurmountable, but it's harder and more time consuming than i expected.


3. information can be helpful. or not.  

i read a few books in advance of ollie's arrival.  i took a child care class and a breast feeding class.  i talked to other moms and dads.  often, this information has helped me and logan as we've worked to figure out the parenting thing.  sometimes though, i wish that i didn't have the internet or baby 411 at my fingertips.  first, it's made me jump to conclusions.  for example, i've had some issues with my breasts.  when i googled the symptoms and referred to the books it seemed likely that i had thrush.  so i headed to the doctor, where i was assured that i was perfectly healthy.  that's when i was told that breast feeding can be painful for some people.  which brings me to the second reason that i don't always love having so much info: in general the books and the classes talk about average experience.  for example, all of the books say that breast feeding might hurt during the first couple of weeks, but then it does not hurt.  they go on to say that if you do experience pain then you're doing something wrong or there is something wrong with you.  but that's just not always true.  and i wish that the books would say that.

and sometimes they leave info out altogether.  for example, everyone talked about how quickly i would get my figure back if i breast fed.  frankly, that's not why i was breast feeding, but it seemed like a nice benefit.  what the books and people left out is that you actually feel your uterus contracting back into its original size.  it's not painful, but it's really bizarre:  every time i fed ollie, i felt my uterus contracting back into shape.  the process is pretty incredible; i could see my belly shrink every day.  i just didn't expect that i would feel it all happen.

i'm sure that there are more learnings to come.  :)

I showered and other achievements from babyland

Ollie weighed in today at 9lbs. !

well, ollie is just about one month now and im starting to feel like myself again, albeit a less energetic, crankier version of myself, but myself nonetheless.  its shocking how quickly the first few weeks flew by.  really, i feel like i just got home with him a week ago.

so, i thought that i'd start a mommy/baby blog to document ollie's first months of life and my first months as a mom.  in fact, this week was my first week at home with ollie by myself and i find myself learning new things every day.  for example, yesterday i showered!  it doesn't sound like much of an achievement, but it sure did feel like one.  ollie doesn't sleep reliably during the day.  he gets tired, but doesn't want to sleep in his bed.  so there have been a number of days that i've spent snuggling a sleepy baby in my arms.  i'm not complaining - he gets fussy, but has been very soothable - but it does make showering difficult.

yesterday, i got him down in bed for a whopping 15 minutes, long enough for me to get a shower.  i can't tell you how nice that shower was, and i felt victorious.

my colleague told me that the first months of being a parent are spent figuring out how to do everything in your life with a baby and that's what i'm finding.  yesterday the shower, today the grocery store.  life's an adventure.